Adopted children:

 

When do you explain adoption?

 

Right away.

 

Every person deserves to know his or her adoption and birth story. The child can usually sense it anyway. 

 

The more normal it is to talk about the less the child will think it is a big deal.

 

Telling the story and details:

 

Write out the narrative. Then tell them the story, without emotion. Not even happiness. Don't even become the cheerleader, welcoming this baby into his or her new family. This is because the child needs to create his or her own narrative. Just the facts!

 

Four questions that adopted children sometimes have:

 

What happened to me? – Feeling confusion, chaos, overwhelm.

 

1. Who will take care of me now? – Feeling fear, lost, abandonment, and thinking, "Can I trust you?" 

 

2. Did I make this happen – Shame, guilt, and the question, "Am I ok?"

 

3. Is everything going to change again? Will I lose you too? Sometimes children perceive this with the question, "Will you abandon me too?" Kids can try to abandon you before he or she is abandoned. Or, children may be experiencing the opposite: "I will abandon you before you abandon me."  There is often high anxiety, fear, and desire for control.

 

4. How much did pay for me? This is a common question. The more you can tell the story, without emotion, the more able the child will be able to recognize his or her own thoughts and feelings about what happened.

 

So parents what do you do?

 

You may have tell the adoption story over and over again.

 

As kids grows, perception changes and they may need to do a redo of the story.

 

How can you repair the adoption experience?

 

Rocking touching.

 

Adopted moms often get the brunt of what is going on. The adopted father can become the great one.

 

The adopted child usually goes after the new mom because they are trying to have them get their experience.

 

With a sibling set:

 

Sometimes one child will go aggressive while the other will aim to please. One may test your ability to stay with them, while the other will try to be perfect.

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If you struggle with any of these scenarios, feel free to call and reach out: 

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Share Holland, MA, LPCC, EDIT Certified and child play therapist. Call the number below to find out if you can receive further help.